Kyon's Day Off
by The Sleepsies
Summary: This was really just a way of me venting, but over time it became its own story with its own unique life.
1. Chapter 1

Warning: This is a lot graphic and extremely violence.

That was when Kyon ripped open his shirt revealing that it was infact a bomb.  
When that happened Haruhi came in and she exploded from the shirt.

Kyon then jumpped to the moon to find the brain gods that revives people.  
They were 17 foot giants whose arms were chainsaws and lasers shot form their eyes.  
Only when Kyon showed that he had a penis wired to explode did they listen to his demands. Haruhi then was revived as a mothercyclone that becomes a shotgun. Using this Kyon killed every woman that refused to give into the FIST.

Every woman on earth then stopped being a virgin and people worshipped him and haruhi became human and then turnned into DEATHSPLOSION. 


	2. Chapter 2

With a fire in his stomach, Kyon became that equal to the DEATHSPLOSION.  
The only problem was that the DEATHSPLOSION had fist made of ALL BEAR that could blow up ALL OF IT. Kyon then grabbed the BEARS with his face making his face TOO MUCH TO HANDLE.

Fistless, the DEATHSPLOSION used the only strategy it had left, absorbing the sun and then spinning so hard the universe became a dimensional tornado. Kyon's UNHANDLEABLE FACE blew up the sun TO PIECES before the DEATHSPLOSION could eat it. Despite how the earth then became a frozen waste land, Kyon was fine because of his BURNING PASSION BLOOD SOUL.

Realizing how boring it would be as the emperor of a frozen planet, Kyon tore out his soul, and punched it into the core of the earth, instantly unthawing it and burning the DEATHSPLOSION.

Then, all was fine, until he read the BOOK OF SAW POWER... 


	3. Chapter 3

And then the BOOK OF SAW POWER formed 30 locks, each of which had approximately 50 chainsaws protruding from it, and the chainsaws were made of explosions. Kyon headbutted the book so hard that the book burst into negative flames made from the head of virgins.

The flames reached Asahina's heart, as a result, just like Haruhi before her, Mikuru Asahina turned into the horrible pudding demon that shoots cherry bees at everything. Kyon then ripped off his tie and turned it into a sword that shoots singing children. qUickly, the room became flooded with MOONSQUITOS. The MOONSQUITOS sucked the ultra blood from the PUDDING DEMON and ate all the CHERRY BEES.

The room was covered in exploded ultra blood which Kyon absorbed through FIST POWER, turning him into ULTIKYON. 


	4. Chapter 4

And then the spaceship exploded, turning the dimension into a powerful explosion causing all non-ULTIKYON into a horrible mass of unawesome. All the unawesome combined into one giant AWESOMELESS SUN that shot UNCOOL BEAMS out from its LAMEFACE. The UNCOOL BEAMS reverted ULTIKYON back to regular Kyon.

He became so pissed that he lit on fire causing his skin to melt revealing that the entire time, Kyon was a bomb. He was wired to explode with gallons of BLOODSPLOSION fuel. He headbutted the sun with his fist, turning it into the ultimate enemy, the AWESUN. It was made from exploding DEATHCYCLES and ROBEES. IT breathed pure hate and wanted to stab anything cooler than it with its dick.

Kyon flew at the AWESUN and remembered that he had an UNHANDABLE FACE.  
He grinded his face into the sun so hard the MULTIVERSE collapsed causing all Kyons forever to come into one universe, each with a different unhandable body part. They all threw their unahandable part at this universe's Kyon, turning him into the UNHANDABLE KYON. 


	5. Chapter 5

It was the ultimate battle, AWESUN VS. THE UNHANDABLE KYON. UNCOOL BEAMS had no effect, because Kyon's UNHANDABLENESS was too much for even himself. He exploded into tinier Kyons made from pure Awesome.  
They they each shot lasers our of their faces into the AWESUN making it slightly less cool.

The battle seemed lost, but then all the Kyon's remembered what his old master once said. And then he remembered that he is his own master. All Kyon's grew a shotgun and motorcycle out of their exploding blood. They each rode on the space road, which lead directly into the AWESUN'S face. They all shot bees directly into every part of the AWESUN, making it covered in bees.

The radiation caused the bees to become tiny chainsaws that then cut the AWESUN into tiny bits. The Kyon's the recombined into the UNHANDABLE KYON, and ate the tiny bits causing him to grow to immense proportions large enough that the UNHANDABLE KYON became it's own universe. 


	6. Chapter 6

Kyon became so bored being his own universe that he punched himself in the face with a BEARSAW. The resulting explosion caused multiple dimensions to spontaneously appear.

Kyon said, "Fuck yeah," and went into the massive dimensions that lay before him.

He entered the first one while carrying his electrical guitar made from the scrotums of the other Kyon's that appeared during the battle against the AWESUN. In the dimension he saw Satan drop kicking a robot made from lightening and shredded babies. The resulting explosion made Satan grow a gun out of his face and shot flaming guitars at Kyon.

Kyon then grew a MANSTACHE that punched the earth at Satan. Satan's flaming balls then grabbed Mars and turned it into a giant ball of SHARKBOMBS. Kyon then wore the MANSTACHE and used its power to turn the SHARKBOMBS into a fist that punched the universe so hard it shattered into extradimensional glass. The glass was not to be touched due to being made out of rabies infested Squids. Kyon not giving a fuck just decided to swallow all the glass like a flaming beer.

With that, Kyon continued on into the Rock Dimension. 


	7. Chapter 7

The Rock dimension was made of nothing but rock, which Kyon immediately blew up. The dimensional collapse made tiny flaming demons shaped like piranhas.  
They shot acid rhinos and frozen houses out of their teeth at an alarming rate. Kyon simply walked towards the piranhas slowly just brushing away the frozen houses.

Kyon punched the acid rhinos in the face causing the acid to launch away at the other dimensions. They melted causing them to turn into interdimensional goo. The goo hardened over the piranhas turning them into BOMBOPOTAMUSES. They were all set to explode on top of Kyon, but instead of fighting them,  
Kyon let them blow up.

The explosions sent shock waves all over the multiverse, causing new dimensions. With the BOMBOPOTAMUSES gone, Kyon flew into the next dimension.  



	8. Chapter 8

This new and strange world looked very familiar to Kyon. It was poorly renderd, as though this were some strange old NES game. Kyon, wasn't sure what to make of it. A strange sense of nostalgia for his younger years filled him. That was when he saw a blue man with a gun for an arm. It shot metal blade, frozen time, screw bombs, boomerangs, etc. Kyon had found his new challenge.

He went up and punched the blue man right in the face, but he was shot with a metal blade at the same time. The buzz saw was lodged inside of Kyon's brain.  
That was when it started to spin again, and Kyon used that as an excuse to headbutt his opponent. His HEADSAW was too short ranged, and the blue man summoned a laser that turned into a dog. They combined and started to throw tiny white bombs.

Kyon punched one of them so hard that the building exploded and revealed that they were in an armory the whole time. 


	9. Chapter 9

Kyon found a gun and a knife, and ripped out the saw from his head. He tore the saw into strips he could use to tie the gun and knife together. He stabbed the blue man in the abdomen and started to fire directly into the robots heart.  
THe force was so powerful he was launched through time. Kyon followed in the resulting portal.

The blue robot then saw into the future and found another, better version of himself. He stopped time and called for help. The two then fought Kyon together with much strength. Past Robot went up and punched a screw bomb right into Kyon while Future Robot shot exploding ice, freezing kyon's head. The explosion resulted in Kyon becoming a bunch of tiny pieces. The robots then touched the remains of Kyon and gained the Awesome Beam.

And that was the end of Kyon's Day Off. 


	10. Chapter 10

Not. Kyon's tiny bits then reawoke millenia later. They were each in a tube for thourough research was being done. A mad scientist was attempting to clone what was considrered the ultimate power, Kyon's Face. A tiny cell in a specially marked tube began to grow. A Kyon appeared in it, but his hair was completely Black, his skin was an unrecognizable color, and his eyes were pentagrams.

The tiny Kyon bits exploded, not only releasing themselves and killing the doctor, but also releasing the NEGAKYON. NEGAKYON waved to the bits and then immediately sunk straight through the surface of the strange new world that he found himself on. For some reason, the bits grew back together and formed a new Kyon, one made from Dinosaurs that breathed FLAME ICE. His new dinosaurs senses alowed him to immediatley warp to NEGAKYON.

He was in a demonic Throne Room. The walls were lace with headless children, the carpet was made of laser fists, the cieling was covered in Brain shooting pitchforks, and the rest was built from the leftovers of God's discarded children. It was punching time. 


	11. Chapter 11

But NEGAKYON flew away with Lightning bolt left to fight in his place. The lightning electrified the air with 1sextilion amps and used that to hold Kyon in place. All of the dinosaurs then combined turning Kyon into a T-rex with KICKASS written of the tail. His flaming ice breath fix the air by freeze-  
flaming everything.

With everything being both on fire and frozen, Kyon ran through it, shattering both himself and the lightning. Then a sarcophagus with diamond encrusted RUPHIRES appeared. It was covered in weaponry made from the stingers of a thousand BEEBEARS. Kyon ate them all and became made of DINOBEES, a rare species only found on the MEGASUN.

His new found DINOBEENESS was all he needed in order to fight and slay the NEGAKYON that scientist had created. 


	12. Chapter 12

Kyon hitched a ride on the passing by space train. The DINOBEES started to explode from not doing anything. The tiny explosions propelled Kyon directly into NEGAKYON'S BALLS OF HATRED. They were standing on some kind of extra-dimensional B-Ball court. Both of their clothing immediately change into basketballs jerseys and shorts. A ball appeared in NEGAKYON'S hand and Kyon immediatly knew what to do.

Clones of themselves appeared behind them to give them enough people to play a whole game. NEGAKYON 1 jumped into the sky to go for a quick dunk. Kyon 5 tore off his fist and threw it at NEGAKYON 1 to stop him, but he just flipped around it. Kyon 3 then grabbed onto NEGAKYON 2 and made him explode in order to propell himself at NEGAKYON 1. It worked and Kyon 3 got the ball back.

He continued to fly upward until Kyon 7 stopped time and took the ball from him.  
He passed it to Kyon 1, but NEGAKYON 6 took it, but that was only a fake ball made of Black Widows that shot poisonous rats at NEGAKyon 6, killing him. Kyon 1 got the ball and headed straight for the goal. Every dribble created a sonic boom, he ran faster than super light and reached the goal in the past. It was time to end this. 


	13. Chapter 13

Kyon 1 jumpped with more power than 10 military gorillas. He went so high that in order to go back down before time ran out he had to turn into a fighter jet.  
His jets roared as he flew through the net with the ball. All NEGAKYON's tried to stop him, but they were ripped to shreds by the manliness that oozed out the jet.

The court then exploded and the NEGAKYONS' lost all their power. The Kyons' then combined into one ultra powerful kyon that then punched the NEGAKYON in the face so hard and so many times that the Multiverse collapsed yet again,  
causing all dimensions to blend into one. This led to them to return to the state they were at back in the beginning, before any of this happened. NEGAKYON and Kyon were still around in space because Kyon wasn't done.

He grabbed the moon and revealed that it was actually his ultimate backup plan.  
A Jupiter shooting TIGUN. It's stripped coloring was on fire, as Kyon poured all of his burning soul into the TIGUN. Jupiter flew into the gun, hitting NEGAKYON on the way in. Jupiter became a black hole, and that was fired from the gun. It hit NEGAKYon so hard, that it created sharks to forever eat his remains. Kyon then threw two stars together in the black hole just in case. 


	14. Chapter 14

Kyon walked in space back to the club house to find that everything had returned to the way it was before his shirt was a bomb. He saw Haruhi for the first time since that morning. He wasn't sure if she would remember what had transpired that day, so he completely ignored it. It had been a rigorous day for our intrepid hero, and because of that, he decided to take a break.

Today the SOS club had nothing much to do. Haruhi had to go home for some reason, Asahina was too afraid to show up in the new maid outfit that Haruhi had bought her that same day, but everyone else was there. Koizumi jumped into the room and punched Kyon in the face.

" I know what you did. You have officially fucked up the dimension we live in far beyond repair. Time itself doesn't exist, I don't even know how we are here having this conversation. Dimensions are being created and destroyed at such a speed that not even Haruhi wishing for it to stop would fix it. This is it we're finished. You killed all of us...I...you," Koizumi said until he faded from reality. 


	15. Chapter 15

Kyon new at that exact moment that his adventures were too much for anything,  
and that in order to fix everything, he would have to make the ultimate sacrifice, but he couldn't do it alone. Kyon, jumped directly into the black hole that contained the defeated NEGAKYON. He was currently being eaten by sharks.

NEGAKYON saw him and immediately understood what must happen. He got up, and walked ever so slowly towards Kyon. Their hands met, and they crashed into each other. The force was so much that the black hole collapsed and all that was in its place was Kyon...No not Kyon, nor NEGAKYON, it was the most powerful creature ever seen by God. It was Shin JinKyon. God's eyes melted because the power was so great.

Shin JinKyon then walked into a dimensional rift that ate his power. The force was so great that the two bodies were ripped from each other, but that released all of their combined energy, making so that the universe had enough power to maintain itself, and remain functional. Soon enough, everything returned to normal, making it so that all problems were fixed, and everything was at a state of equilibrium. However, no one would know of the story of how the universe was brought both to ruin and to harmony. Kyon was soon forgotten. 


End file.
